Four years later

January 5, 2020 - January 5, 2024

For the past four years, one daunting question has been lingering within me: how do I continue to live after a sudden and unexpected event alters my life, leaving the heart and soul in tatters and extinguishing hope and faith . Spoiler alert 1, I still do not have the answer to that question. Spoiler alert 2, I somehow have survived four years of it. On January 5, 2020, I received a phone call from my sister that changed my life forever. She told me my dad unexpectedly passed away. Four years later and I still vividly remember the events of that day, reliving the pain and heartbreak all over again every single time I think about it.

When you lose the one person who truly understands you, motivates you to be your best, believes in you more than you do in yourself, guides you, and, most importantly, constantly reminds you of the 'why' behind your efforts, life is ripped of all its meaning. And when life loses its meaning, living or merely surviving every day becomes an unbearable weight to carry.

Over the past four years, I have struggled to accept and make peace with what life has served me. I have finally decided to give up on trying to accept or understand. I have learnt that life will break your heart, for no apparent reason, and the lesson resides in the many ways to restore, or at least attempt to, your heart and life. They say time heals all wounds. Yet, this year has been the hardest year to carry this grief around.

Living with grief has been the hardest thing I have done and will continue to do in my life. The difficulty intensifies when significant life events unfold, and the absence of the one person you wish could witness them becomes painfully apparent.

This year marks a significant milestone for me as I defend my Ph.D. in economics and embark on my professional career. Ironically my dad's passing both derailed and saved my PhD journey. After his passing, staying in school and away from my family became insurmountable. However, he was the proudest dad on earth to know that his daughter will soon be a doctor. Since I was a little child, he has always told me "you can do whatever you want to do in this life, nothing is out of reach for you, as long as you work hard." He dreamt of the day I would have the opportunity to work anywhere around the world, at very renowned organizations. This year, I have applied to jobs across the world, have interviewed with institutions in the US, Canada, Europe, and Asia. The thought that he can't witness these milestones leaves me paralyzed, sometimes stuck in bed for days. Nonetheless, his memory serves as a driving force, propelling me forward with unwavering determination.

To all the recruiters who saw the hard work and dedication in my research, know that my dad instilled these values in me.

To all the recruiters who thought I was "brilliant" and would have a successful career wherever I go, understand that my dad's influence shines through me.

And to everyone who witnesses my perseverance and hard work, it's because I had a father who envisioned a life for me that is bigger than myself.

I dedicate my successes, grants, awards, and recognition to you, dad. I gave it my all, and I hope you are proud of your daughter, Maman Tiné.